5 Lessons I Learned From Being Cheated On

For at least two years before the day I found out my now ex-boyfriend had been cheating on me, we had already planned the details of our life together—our wedding, children, pets, and dream vacations.

The truth made its way through the grapevine, even when he had blocked me and everyone we knew together on social media. He lied about wanting some time alone and had actually been in another relationship with this new girl for somewhere around four months when we broke up. It was plastered all over her social media, and the realization that he had cheated was the worst kind of pain I’d ever experienced. His friends that knew me were also keeping this from me, and I felt so embarrassed and betrayed. Picture the irony of having your worst nightmare come to life and her name being Joy.

Even though their relationship was so public, he still denied the affair. In fact, one of the last things he told me was that if I “needed to villainize [him] to get through it, then so be it.” What an interesting choice of words, given that I wouldn’t have to say anything aside from the truth for him to be a villain.

The last year of our relationship was tumultuous. When his promises of us spending time together turned into me staying home waiting for him as he “forgot” to call me and his lack of boundaries with other women became the “norm,” I felt so isolated and disrespected. Whenever I would feel angry, I would tell myself to be patient and treat him with love and respect. What I wish I knew was that while I was trying to show him how patient and understanding I could be, I was disrespecting myself. I don’t know if it was my fear of losing him or my love for the person I thought he was that kept me trying to win him back.

For anyone who’s been cheated on, you’ll know that it awakens a side of you that you had no idea existed. I truly didn’t think I could have so much anger, hatred, disappointment, and devastation in my heart. It was actually kind of terrifying to think that the person who I gave my heart to would be willing to disrespect me and throw me away as if I was meaningless.

Cheating is a special kind of evil because it distorts reality and forces the victim to take blame for something that is far out of their control. When I told him that I knew about his affair, he simultaneously denied it and blamed me for his need to get attention elsewhere. Even with all the anger I had towards him (and her) I just kept asking myself what I did to deserve this. That question is so disturbing because it pointed to an internal belief that there was something I did—or could have done—to deserve being cheated on. 

This time in my life was so unique because I got to see both the darkest and the brightest parts of humanity. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude for the community of friends and family who rallied with me and supported me through every step of this journey. Instead of wondering where God was in all of this, I realized that He had provided me with a group of people who uplifted and encouraged me. God works through a multitude of ways, but He comforted me through the loving words and actions of my loved ones.

I’m a pretty analytical person and my perfectionism tends to get the best of me sometimes. There were a lot of internal beliefs I had about myself that came to light after I began to process my pain. I had to make a decision to grow and learn from the pain instead of trapping myself into the victim mentality.

1. You can’t change a person who does not want to change AND you can’t love someone into treating you right.

To be honest, I don’t regret falling in love with him in the first place. But I definitely regret trying to prove my worth to him by becoming a doormat. I guess that’s what happens when you’re wearing rose colored glasses: They make all the red flags look just like any other flag.

2. There’s a difference between feeling broken and being broken.

I remember telling my therapist so many times that “he broke me” and I was “broken and damaged” as a result of him treating me so poorly. But after a lot of soul searching, therapy sessions, and conversations with my loved ones, I realized that this was only a feeling. This dark, isolating, and helpless world I was living in was one that only existed in my mind. I was giving him too much control over my life and even when we were no longer in a relationship, I had to fight to take back the control I had so freely given him.

3. Grief isn’t a linear process, so don’t be afraid to be angry or sad.

With any breakup, you grieve the loss of your future with someone you saw a life with. When you add cheating to the mix, you have valid reasons to feel everything you’re feeling. Everyone reacts differently to cheating, but in my experience, I was consumed by anger and a desire for justice. Working through those feelings uncovered so many internal beliefs and helped me to understand how toxic the situation had become. Time may be a healer, but there are limits to its power. That’s why you must be patient with yourself and allow yourself to heal however you need to, as long as it’s healthy!

4. Trust your instincts because your time is too valuable to waste. 

To be honest, I’m not sure where instincts come from, but they seem to be spot-on. If you have a gut feeling that there’s something going on, honor that by having a productive conversation with your partner. If I could go back in time and change one part of my relationship with him, I would have paid more attention to my instincts and not allowed him to take control of them.

5. Forgiveness is a conscious choice that you have to make again and again.

Have you ever heard the saying that refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer? If your ex is anything like mine, he will have no remorse for what he did. To be honest, most days I don’t feel like he deserves an ounce of forgiveness. But forgiveness has nothing to do with him; it has everything to do with your own mental health and journey. It’s impossible to move on if you still harbor anger that takes hold of your mind. Forgiveness doesn’t erase what happened or let him off the hook, it just helps you move on and enjoy the next chapters of your life.

If you’re anything like me and felt like your voice had been stolen and discounted, please know that there are so many ways to take it back. As a writer, I knew that I had to process the pain by way of using my words. I also began taking barre and yoga classes to work off the anger and reduce my anxiety. Even though it may be difficult today, each day is brand new and holds a world of possibilities. If you lean on God and your community to help you through the dark moments, they will eventually pass.

You are worthy of love—even when you don’t believe it.

Rewriting Your Role

I’ve often heard it said that we should be kind to all people we meet because we don’t have an idea of their story or the battle they’re facing.

We all have a story that we’re meant to tell.

In life, we all play a role in the lives of those who we interact with. Often times, these roles can bring about a dramatic “Aha!” moment or it can be simply a cameo that brings momentary happiness.

The beautiful part of this story is that we have the power to choose what kind of impact we have.

It makes me wonder what role I’m playing in the lives of others and how I want them to remember my character.

People enter and exit from our lives all the time. Sometimes it’s by our own choice, sometimes it’s by their choice, and sometimes people just grow apart. No matter what, there is always a reason why someone has come into your life.  Taking every relationship as a growing experience or an opportunity to encourage has been the most difficult-yet most worthwhile-lesson I’ve learned.

When we are hurt by those we love, sometimes we wish they were never a part of our lives in the first place. Finally understanding this concept has made my heart more willing to forgive and to see through the eyes of mercy because it gives a reason for the madness. Instead of allowing myself to see someone only as the cause of my misery, recognizing the lessons I’ve learned through them restores their humanity. This concept forces mental, emotional, and spiritual progress because it destroys the need to fall into a pit of hopelessness. Imagine what life would look like if you could look back on a painful situation and see that you’ve become a stronger person because of it. Who wouldn’t want to accept this freeing gift?

The more people I meet, the more I realize that God, as the Master Storyteller, orchestrates these stories-and the characters within them-very strategically. As I sit and think of the friendships I have, friendships I’m developing, and friendships I’ve lost, I can’t help but smile because God knew that the presence of these characters would encourage, challenge, and love me into the person I am today.  Every fight, tear, laugh, and conversation I’ve ever had reveals more of how I can become a better friend/sister/daughter/child of God.

Just like chapters in a book have an ending, not all relationships are meant to last forever.  The silver lining is that some will have longevity that span a multitude of chapters.  No matter how long a friend will play a role in our lives, it’s important to leave a lasting impact on theirs. I’m sure you can think of at least one time when a friend did something so selfless that it changed your attitude for the day. Just by being present, embracing an attitude of love and a willingness to learn, you have the power to impact someone in the long run.

We’re all human, and as such, we want someone to love us. Let’s remember that as we meet new people and spend time with those we already love. Whether you like it or not, your existence has an impact on the people around you. In your heart, you hold the power to make that impact constructive or destructive. Take the chance to inspire someone and you would be surprised to find how inspired you’ll become.

When Christianity Lost Its Meaning

November 30, 2011 was the day I learned that being a Christian doesn’t have to mean anything.

I was a senior in high school when my world felt like it fell out from under me. It was an average day until a girl in my art class came back from the bathroom and told me that there was a few junior girls crying outside. This obviously peaked my attention and I wanted to figure out what was going on. It turns out that some of the students in their class had been expelled and some of the students in my class were being called into the Principal’s office for meetings concerning possible expulsion. We weren’t sure the reason behind all this, but throughout the rest of the day, that’s all we could think about. We knew that whatever happened in the first meeting would happen in all of them. So when the first student came back in the room, looked down, and said goodbye, we knew something serious was about to happen. I’ll never forget how dark that room felt with the girls crying and the guys staring at the ground. Word gets around quickly in a small school, so everyone knew what was happening by the time the buses rolled into the parking lot. When one student said that the expulsions were because the students didn’t have a good relationship with God, I wasn’t sure what to believe.  It didn’t surprise me that this was something my school was capable of. They’ve done it before with worse reasons than that. I cried for hours that night….but the bad news was only half over.

I thought my parents were going to their care group meeting that night, but I was wrong. When they came home, they called my sisters and I together and had us sit down. They told us that my youth pastor had been asked to resign effective immediately for a serious reason unknown to the rest of us.

Within six hours, my life was turned completely upside down.

The next day at school was something that will stick with me forever. We had a chapel service in which we were given the explanation behind the chaos. The students were actually expelled because their relationships with God weren’t at a place where the school wanted them to be. Our school’s pastor screamed at us and told us that we needed to evaluate our hearts because if we weren’t interested in being “on fire for God all the time” then we weren’t wanted there. In our Christian Living class, we discussed the issue further and I can still hear a student say “I’m glad that they’re gone. They were just holding us back anyway.” This same student was seen laughing with the Principal’s wife earlier that day and asking a fellow classmate why she was crying about the situation.

Wherever I went, I was in a place of pain and chaos. I became so unhappy because everything I had ever believed in was being manipulated and was harming me. Whenever I would be at church, I would blame my stress on school and whenever I was at school, I would blame it on my youth group situation. I wondered where God’s hand was in all of this. My school that was supposed to be training spiritual leaders was actually manipulating Christianity to suit their own agenda. My church struggled to maintain a youth group at this point. I felt like my Christian foundation had crumbled.

As my life was spinning out of control, I couldn’t understand why everything was happening at once. I cried out to God and begged Him to make it stop hurting so much.  Now, the title may lead you to believe that I lost my faith at this point in my life. But that isn’t the case. From the hurt, I learned a few important lessons.

The more I share this story, the more people have come forward and said that they’ve experienced something similar. The image of Christianity in today’s society is mostly negative. Media portrays Christians in the worst possible light, but are we giving any reason for them to not do so? I do realize that there are so many great Christians who are lost in the mix.  But when experiences like mine are so common, the issue has to be addressed.  It’s amazing how much you can ruin lives when you forget the basic, foundational principle of Christianity–unconditional love. It’s the entire point of the faith, yet is the most left behind concept. Jesus didn’t die the most gruesome death in the history of the world for us to look down on those who are struggling. “They will know we are Christians by our love” should be more than just a lyric-it should be our motivations for our actions. Every Christian was once in a position where we weren’t walking with the Lord. Looking at a person as…well a person, rather than a charity case or a debate to be won over shows that one has grasped the concept of unconditional love and grace.

Forgiveness is freedom. Living with grudges about my past–these experiences in particular–was creating bondage that held me back from spiritual, emotional, and mental growth. I’ve wondered for the past few years why God allowed such troubling issues to happen at the same time, but I’ve realized that God is bigger than those experiences. He is bigger than the “leaders” who caused such chaos. And above all, God is not reflected in those who don’t base their lives on humbling loving others. He shouldn’t be blamed for the negative image of Christians in our society.

The next step is finding one person in your life who you can show unconditional love to. As this spreads, the image of Christianity could be rightly restored. Maybe then, Christianity could be known by who we love, instead of who we don’t love.

Dear No One

I hate that I hate that I’m single. Wait, what?

I’ve been wrestling with the idea of writing a blog about my singleness for a long time, but had trouble figuring out how I feel about it. At the beginning, I wanted to write about how annoying it is to be in the minority (or at least it seems) of single people on a Christian campus. But I started to think about how much I like my independence and freedom, so I scrapped that idea. So where do I stand now?

The truth is, it’s difficult to be a single Christian. It’s difficult to be a single person in college when it seems “ring by spring” has taken over. There’s nothing to fuel a fire of jealousy in me like seeing a couple in my age range flaunting a diamond ring on Facebook.  Within the last few months, I have seen multiple couples my age get engaged. Each “like” I give on the pictures serves as a constant reminder that I’m so far behind in that aspect. My pride is stabbed and my self confidence seems to take a vacation. I tend to wonder what qualities about me are so repulsive that no guy has ever pursued me. I’m almost twenty years old and have never been asked out on a date. For a while, I let that insecurity control my feelings and opinions on the matter. It was bondage that caused me to have to keep seeking the approval of others. I couldn’t love myself the way you’re supposed to.  I’d get mad at God and angrily ask why He was sending all my friends boyfriends. On the flip side, I became hyper critical of others in relationships. I would always look at their faults and shortcomings and say “How do they deserve to be in a relationship when I can’t be?” It was toxic.

Recently, this topic has been on my mind more than usual. After multiple conversations with my parents and grandmother and friends, I have decided to shift my attitude on this issue. I’m going to rejoice in my singleness and praise God that He is giving me time to prepare to be the right person. Instead of trying to find “the one,” I want to learn how to be “the one.” 

Most likely, I will be married for more years of my life than I will be single. I have time to enjoy married life….whenever that may happen. Right now, I’m not married. I’m not dating anyone. I’m not even “talking” to anyone. With the belief that God is strategic in placing the right people in our lives at the right time, I’m going to enjoy my single days. I consider it a blessing to have this special and exciting freedom that I will only have for a limited time. During this time, I want to explore and gain lots of new experiences.

Considering my home and school are 1,500 miles apart, I don’t have to worry about the strain of a long-distance relationship. If I’m offered an internship in a different state, I can take it without worrying about taking time away from him. When I enter a relationship, I want to be able to pour into him and give him the attention he desires. As a college student with a demanding job, I would be spreading myself too thin if I was to be in a relationship.

I hate that I hate being single. I said that at the beginning of the blog, but here’s where it makes sense. People treat being single, especially at a Christian college, like you’re diseased. It’s shameful and pitiful for someone to be single. Last time I checked, I’m healthy, happy, and succeeding in the place that I’m in. I shouldn’t have to feel bad about myself because I haven’t been pursued.

Instead of being discouraged at the lack of suitors knocking at my door, I’m going to praise God for the friends, family, and life He has given me. I’ll be content watching videos of Christian pick up lines and marriage proposals with my friends. Of course, I want someone to go on a coffee date with sometimes, but what are best friends for? If all else fails, I can always get a cat.